Dear reader, I have reached the point where I must ask the question I know we are all secretly thinking about all the time. Which is: WHY ARE VEGANS SUCH LYING PESTS? I know that sounds intolerant, or even downright offensive, but come on. It’s just not right that those elitist, unwashed, tree hugging, communist, facist, yuppie, hippie judgemental preachy vegans keep shoving plants based eating down our throats. All. The. Time. Sure I love animals and care about our planet, but eating plant based? PLANTS only? THAT’S CRAZY.
And it’s just too unrealistic, difficult, extreme and restrictive. I need variety, we all need variety. Variety is the spice of life and my spice is meat, cheese and eggs. And honey. And believe me I know what I’m talking about. I tried eating a plant based diet but gave up after a week because it’s just too darn hard and restrictive. And who had time to shop for vegan food? It’s just OBNOXIOUS and MEAN to force this upon us.
Like today for example. I went to my local supermarket and all I could find was white potatoes, sweet potatoes, yams, turnips, broccoli, cabbage, squashes, carrots, kale, spinach, argula, lettuce, white onion, red onion, garlic, parsnips, corn, cauliflower, rocket, spring onions, lettuce, shallots, fennel, celery, asparagus, celeriac, white cabbage, red cabbage, cherry tomatoes, plum tomatoes, red tomatoes, sprouts, daikon, peas, red bell peppers, yellow bell peppers, green bell peppers, beetroot, watercress, radishes, butternut squash, cucumber, green beans, plantain, oranges, apples, plums, bananas, peaches, cantaloupe, watermlon, blueberries, raspberries, strawberries, kiwi fruit, broad beans, pumpkins, lemons, grapefruit, cherries, grapes, beansprouts, water chestnuts, chicory, mushrooms, turnips, yams, okra, radicchio, leeks, aubergines, Red chilli peppers, green chili peppers, hummus, guacamole, kimchi, sauerkraut, gherkins, pickled onions, sandwich pickle, pita breads, falafel, arancini, olives, sliced bread, flatbreads, tortilla wraps, burger buns, hot dog buns, muffins, sesame seeds, chia seeds, pumpkin seeds, sunflower seeds, kidney beans, black beans, butterbeans, cannellini beans, lentils, chickpeas, ackee, baked beans, tofu, tempeh, seitan, popcorn,soy milk, oat milk, rice milk, coconut milk, hemp milk, hazelnut milk, potato milk, almond milk, cashew milk, pastry sheets, tea, coffee, dark chocolate, chocolate chips, Cadburys original hot chocolate, paprika, cumin, cardamom, cloves, nutmeg, cinnamon, turmeric, fenugreek, chilli powder, curry powder, amchoor, ajwain seeds, coriander seeds, onion powder, garlic powder, mustard seeds, garam masala, miso paste, tamarind, tomato puree, garlic puree, salt, pepper, limes, avocados, apples, passionfruits, coconuts, melons, mangoes, dates, raisins, trail mix, rice cakes, buns, bread, English muffins, crumpets, figs, sharon fruits, dragon fruits, pomegranates, kiwis, plums, gooseberries, nectarines, apricots, peaches, pineapples, basil, coriander, mint, thyme, rosemary, sage, dill, lemongrass, lime leaves, bay leaves, curry leaves, parsley, herbes des provence, chives, oregano, dairy-free cheese, dairy-free yoghurt, dairy-free ice cream, chilled desserts, dairy-free cream, plant-based custard, chips, gyozas, palm sugar, dairy-free spread, rice, quinoa, pearl barley, couscous, orzo, spaghetti, tagliatelle, linguine, tortellini, cavatappi, pappardelle, conchiglie, lasagna sheets, fusilli, fettuccine, macaroni, trofie, penne, rigatoni, noodles, jalapenos, sundried tomatoes, artichokes, olive oil, sunflower oil, vegetable oil, coconut oil, hemp oil, avocado oil, mango chutney, lime pickle, brinjal pickle, chilli pickle, salsa, cocoa powder, soup, chocolate, crisps, poppadoms, rotis, biscuits, cookies, snack bars, mustard, ketchup, hot sauce, soy sauce, ketjap manis, sambal oelek, egg-free mayo, nutritional yeast, capers, plant-based coleslaw, redcurrant jelly, mint sauce, curry sauce, onion marmalade, apple sauce, peanut butter, jam, marmalade, yeast extract, vegan honey, almond butter, pumpkin seed butter, mollasses, maple syrup, lemonade, orange soda, cherry soda, cola, ginger beer, orange juice, apple juice, tomato juice, prune juice, carrot juice, cherry juice, pomegranate juice, cordial, squash, flour, sugar, syrup, vanilla extract, instant mash, donuts, tarts, peanuts, chestnuts, cashews, almonds, pine nuts, walnuts, brazil nuts, pistachios, raisins, prunes, dried figs, hazelnuts, macadamia nuts, coconut flakes, pecans, plant based chocolate, plant based cakes, plant based jam donuts, plant based custard donuts, plant based flapjacks, plant based millionaire shortbreads, plant based soft cheese, plant based hard cheese, crisps, crackers, breadsticks, nooch, cashew nut butter, almond butter, pasta sauces, curry sauces, plant based black pudding, dairy free Easter eggs, 80% plus dark chocolate, plant-based burgers, plant-based mince, coconut creams, vegan cheese, vegan cheese shreds, vegan cheese slices, vegan ice cream, soy sauce, soy curls, soy beans, tvp, vital eheat gluten, edaname, vegan cakes, vegan cookies, vegan cupcakes, vegan pie, vegan whip cream, vegan cream cheese, vegan frozen corn, frozen peas, flour, sugar, vegetable oils, seeds oils, oats, vegan cereals, vinegar, plant-based hot dogs, plant-based sausages, plant-based bacon, plant-based ham, plant-based chicken sandwich slices, plant-based meatballs, plant-based chicken pieces, plant-based nuggets, plant-based shawarma kebabs, plant-based chorizo, plant-based steak strips, fishless fingers, rice, quinoa, mushrooms, hemp seeds and the other 80,000 edible plants.
So you can imagine my frustration. How can you expect any decent, normal person to find some FOOD to eat?
So can anyone recommend a diet that isn’t so restrictive, difficult to do and maintain? That doesn’t force me to speciality shop or break the bank finding something to eat every time I go out grocery shopping? Thanks.
Yours sincerely,
A proud and frustated omnivore
(Post cut, edited and pasted from a Facebook post)
Bonus annoying vegan meme
